January 6, 2015
Are you a Seattleite completely uninterested in football, yet are forced to interact with other Seattleites, most of whom are insufferable Seahawk fans? Then you'll want to subscribe to HawkTalk™, my new service that provides you with three things to say each week during the playoffs, things that will make you sound knowledgeable enough to pass as a fan and not be outed.

For this first playoff game, try the free samples below, but it will be $5 for the NFC championship game and $15 for the the Super Bowl because there's two weeks to get through. How do I know the Seahawks will be in the Super Bowl? Hey, I told you Seahawk fans are insufferable.

• "Don't let that 8 & 8 record fool you; Carolina's peaking at the right time."
• "That Cam Newton is tough to contain. If he has a big game, look out."
• "That Luke Kuechly (KEEK-lee) is fun to watch, right? That guy's all over the field!"

January 9, 2015
Thanks to all of you who signed up for my HawkTalk™ talking points, your best value in sports babble. Perhaps you'd like to step up to HawkTalk™ Platinum, the service that prepares you to dominate any conversation in the Puget Sound for the next month?

Imagine the following scenario: You're standing in line at your local independent coffee shop and/or craft brewpub when the Seahawk talk starts, but you can't say you don't like football cuz in Seattle, you might as well say you love Fox News. It's not like when somebody's talking about The Wire and you announce you don't even own a TV and then you baste in the smug silence. No, you need a few things to say until you can change the subject back to that Mother Jones article you read about how corporations have secretly put things in vaccines to make kids crave GMOs. Here's a sample of what you'll get with HawkTalk™ Platinum:

• "I was totally stressing when Mebane tore his hammy in week 10, but man that D-line has the kind of depth that wins championships."
• "People worry about our red zone TDs being only 50%, but they forget two things: our #1 defense, and that Hauschka is practically automatic inside the 35."
• "Yeah, we're the most penalized team in the NFL, but the least penalized team is Jacksonville, so nuff said."
• "The Seahawks didn't just lead the league in rushing; they ran for more yards than any team in the past eight years, and they did it with an O-line cobbled from spare parts. And that team from eight years ago? The Falcons, whose O-line coach was Tom Cable, the Seahawks current O-line coach, so there's your MVP, my friends."

I know what some of you are thinking: "Why should I pay you for Seahawk talking points when the Seattle Times had a ten-page full-color special Seahawks section today, the day before the game--which is only a divisional playoff--and I'm pretty sure that if a white cop with Ebola shot Obama on a Malaysian airliner, they'd have six pages, tops?"

Well let me ask you a question: Do you really want to read those ten pages?

January 16, 2015
Welcome back, valued customers. We know there are many sports-babble outlets and we thank you for choosing HawkTalk™, the #1 provider of Seahawk-speak for the non-football fan who dreads 12th-man ostracism. But don't take our word for it; just listen to these actual client testimonials:

• I was in line at REI for the big sale--half off soft-chine kayaks!--when the woman behind me interrupted my synopsis of last week's This American Life by saying "Each week we choose a theme and bring you stories on that theme. This week's theme: kicking some cheesehead ass!" And then she held her hand up and everyone started slapping it for some reason! I was momentarily taken aback until I recalled one of this week's HawkTalk™ talking points: "These Packers are not the same team we faced in week one. Rodgers is on fire, and he leads the league in passes for more than 40 yards thanks to Jordy Nelson's ability to stretch the field." Just like that, the focus was back on me, and that interrupting woman's hand was back inside her polar-fleece vest pocket where it belonged.
  --Amy B., Greenlake



• As a gay man, I had always hidden behind the stereotype whenever the conversation turned to sports, but the past two years have made that strategy increasingly untenable, due to both the Seahawks' immense popularity and the general dissolution of gay stereotypes. This cultural one-two punch caught me off guard at my last Third Thursday event. There I was holding court at the Roq la Rue gallery when someone chimed in with "Negative space sounds like what Michael Bennett creates for opposing quarterbacks." I was dumbfounded as everyone turned toward this... this... sportsball aficionado or whatever they're called and away from me. Well. I regained my footing immediately by regurgitating "Bennett's definitely the best D-lineman to come out of Texas A&M since '94 when the 'Hawks used a 1st-round pick to take Sam Adams. Speaking of which, who needs another beer?" Thank you, HawkTalk™.
  --Kyle M., Capitol Hill



• Nothing in seminary prepared me to compete for the attention of my flock on Seahawk Sundays. All heads in the pews were down, locked on their gadgets, so that's when I threw a hail Mary thanks to your HawkTalk™ training: "The Devil is not the only one who destroys people's souls! The number of the beast is also 31!" And then we watched a Kam Chancellor highlight reel. My collection plate overfloweth!
  --Father Timothy R., Crown Hill

There you have it, just three among dozens who have successfully side-stepped the bandwagon. Sign up today, non-Seahawk fans, because "You don't have to walk the walk if you can talk the Hawk."®


January 31, 2015
Welcome, HawkTalk™ Platinum members! There is no more regular HawkTalk™ as all your checks bounced and/or the credit cards you submitted were phony. Also, this is the Super Bowl and at the Super Bowl, everything is for platinum members, so if you plan on watching the game on a screen less than 60" diagonally, then just scroll down to the video of the cat getting kicked in the groin.

OK non-football-fans, you've made it this far. Despite the Seahawks' 3-3 start and your vision boards of them losing in the playoffs, your worst fears have been realized and now due to social forces beyond your control, you will be attending a Super Bowl party instead of hitting Costco or Pike Place Market when they are as ghost towns. Relax. Breathe. Remember your training. You can do this.
"But I bet there's gonna be, like, NO LINE at Paseo's Sunday afternoon!"
Shhh... It's OK, hon. There there. Stay calm. HawkTalk™'s here for you. Let HawkTalk™ stroke your hair. Blue & green doesn't look good on anyone, and Paseo's is closed on Sundays.

Now let's get to it. Success on Sunday is all about positive imagery, so envision yourself at your brother-in-law's house, surrounded by 12s, TVs in every room are blaring the game, including the kids' room where you usually hide. You're wearing a borrowed Seahawks jersey and you don't even know which player it is. And then someone asks your opinion of deflate-gate. Do you say:

A) "Belichik's rich history of cheating in the NFL--and his marriage, by the way--merits a lifetime ban."

B) "Look! Lenny Kravitz and Katy Perry are re-enacting the Ray Rice elevator scene!" then flee to the porch to finish the joint you half-smoked on the way over because--unlike Belichik's behavior--that's perfectly legal.

C) "I'm just here so I won't get fined."

Any of the above will move the chains. (You do too know what that means by now.) Keep in mind the Super Bowl atmosphere will be different; chiefly, more drinking, making it hard to recall lengthy talking points, so we'll keep these last lines brief and usable at almost any time during the game:

"Should that Wilfork guy even be playing? He's well into his second trimester and this can't be good for the baby."

"You know why Tom Brady's gorgeous? Because the Patriots always draft QBs for looks: Drew Bledsoe, Scott Zolak, Doug Flutie, Tony Eason, Jim Plunkett. OK, Steve Grogan was an outlier, but I stand by the general thesis."

[whenever a sucky commercial comes on] "They paid $5 million for THAT?"

"Gun to my head? Richard Sherman. Definitely."

"Every Brandon Browner penalty, do a shot!"

"This is really good guacamole, hostess_name."

"I like Edelman. I think the league could use more tiny Jews."

And if you remember nothing else, remember to hold up a raised palm after any tackle made by Seahawk #31; it will be slapped enthusiastically. You then say "Bam Bam!"

Good luck.